Toaster Gains Admittance to ASU

A high school senior from Redlands, California applied as ‘Melba Toaster’ to Arizona State University and the kitchen appliance was promptly selected for early admission. Known for its extremely generous acceptance rate (86.5%), ASU officials were hard-pressed to explain the blunder.

The applicant claimed to attend Breville High in Williams Sonoma, California. The bogus entry cited a 4.0 GPA which was the same number of stars given in Google reviews by customers of the Breville Luxe 2-slice stainless steel toaster. Toaster reviews were quoted as well: “Always dependable and accurate – day-in and day-out. Beautiful on the outside but a true workhorse inside. Would recommend to friends!”

With no ACT or SAT scores required, an essay likely sealed the deal. In the application essay entitled,  Why ASU is Right for Me, Melba claimed to complete “multiple tasks at the same time”, “17 years of steady work before school every morning” and anxious to get out and experience the world “outside my four walls.”

Ken Hopkins, VP of Enrollment, explained, “Of course, there is a problem with a toaster getting into ASU. Even a top-of-the-line microwave oven would have trouble making it through our selection process.” 

ASU has rescinded the acceptance and withdrawn its $27,250 scholarship offer. A similar application to ASU’s sister school, Grand Canyon University, was rejected.

Sun Devils get burned by high school prank.

#12 Denver Hockey faces unranked Arizona State in a two-game series this weekend at Magness Arena. As they say in Tempe, “forks up and butter knives out.”

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