Panthers, spiders, and snakes – oh my!

Jim Montgomery met with the Florida Panthers on Monday. While the meeting was held privately, here is our take on the interview between Dale Tallon (DT), GM Florida Panthers and DU head coach Jim Montgomery (JM).

9:10 am – Undisclosed Hotel – Sunrise, Florida

DT: Big Jim – Welcome to the land of gators and fire ants.

JM: Yeah nice…the kids are enjoying it here. They had never seen Kudzu.

DT: It’s a great place, Jim. The homes are nice – just make sure you get one built to withstand tropical storms and hurricanes. Mold can be bad, too. Kids have asthma?

JM: Uh, thankfully, no.

So Dale, what happened to former head coach Gerard Gallant? I saw photos of him hailing his own cab in Raleigh, North Carolina, after being taken off the team bus and told he was fired.

DT: I know this is off topic, Jimbo – Dania Beach is for old people – don’t stand on a street corner there or a blue hair may take you out at the knees. Now, Fort Lauderdale is where you can get lucky (wink).  Get it?

JM: Thanks, Dale. But you never answered…

DT: Back to Gerard, well, he just got his travel per diem that day, so he was flush. Probably had money left to tip the cabbie!

JM: Well, Gerard Gallant led the Panthers to a franchise-record 103 points and an Atlantic Division title last season – and he was nominated for the Jack Adams Award and then, fired just 22 games into this season — with a 500 record and key injuries.

DT: Frankly, Gerard just wasn’t into metrics and analytics – it’s all a numbers game today, Jimmy. What’s 18 times 36?

JM: Off my head…Uh, 648.

DT: Multiply that by two and add three zeroes – you hit the jackpot. Those are metrics you gotta’ love Jimbo.

JM: What do you mean?

DT: The dough – that’s what you get here, Jimmy boy – each year for the next three years. But you need to accept it now and get moved. Did you know the sand temperature in the summer is the temperature of the surface of the sun – the kiddos gotta’ build up some calluses.  And, don’t believe the stories – Burmese pythons. Giant African snails. Rats the size of dogs. You have a dog? Don’t leave him unattended. Anyway, the little troopers will love it here – just keep an eye on ’em. And no state income taxes!

JM: So, Dale, you told me about the positives. Honestly, what are the negatives?

DT: Well, the rich folks are on the water and the poor are everybody else. Then, there is low spending for public schools and libraries, unmet job and social welfare needs, high home foreclosure rates, poor emergency medical care and a soaring crime rate. Oh, and skin cancer. Other than that, Jimmy, smooth as silk and a great place for family.

JM: So what about the team, Dale.

DT: Loaded with Canadians Jimmy – 13 in all. Figured you would be the perfect guy to get through their maple syrup skulls. You know, takes one to know one – don’t take that personally Jimbo! When we bring them down here – they think Tim Hortons is fine dining.

JM: I need to talk with my wife, Emily.

DT: Don’t take too much time – the phone’s ringing off the hook. Sure you don’t want to head up to Lauderdale for a drink?

JM: Gotta run.

Exit Hotel – 9:23 am