Category Archives: Satire

Damien Goddard Receives Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters in Education

“I’m truly humbled by this honor,” said Damien Goddard, CEO of The Goddard Family of Companies. “This is surely a surprise to my former professors and classmates but sends a clear message to all – it is never too late!” Goddard told a packed winter recess crowd, gathered to celebrate what he proudly calls his ‘crowning achievement’. Continue reading Damien Goddard Receives Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters in Education

Jay Stickney Looks to Yale and What Might Have Been

This weekend marks an emotional moment of deep reflection for DU hockey broadcaster Jay Stickney. Yale hockey is coming to Denver and Stickney will be calling a game of what ‘might have been’ when Yale plays the Denver Pioneers. Stickney went to the University of Colorado, forsaking his self-described ‘safety school,’ Yale. Continue reading Jay Stickney Looks to Yale and What Might Have Been

Puck Swami’s Civil War Letter on Winning the Gold Pan

In the spirit of Capt. Andrew Luck, our own “Armchair General” Puck Swami has written a flowery “Civil War”-style letter to his wife about last weekend’s DU hockey sweep of rival Colorado College. We invite you to click and play “Ashokan Farewell’ as background music and read the letter aloud in the best Ken Burns-narrator voice you can muster. You can almost hear the strains of the Crimson-and-Gold fiddles playing in Denver’s Camp…

Wednesday, the Eighth Day of November, in the year of our Lord, 2023.

My Dearest Wife:

I am grateful to the Lord above for providing me this quill and paper with which to report to you, my beloved bride of long forbearance, that it has been four days since the smoke of battle has lifted from the November weekend scrap for the Gold Pan trophy. As you will read, the news is gratifying… Continue reading Puck Swami’s Civil War Letter on Winning the Gold Pan

Colorado College Withdraws From US News Rankings, Seeks ‘Good People’

Colorado College announced back in March that they are pulling out of the US News & World Report rankings. In the announcement, the liberal arts college’s President L. Song Richardson stated they are withdrawing “because it (US News) privileges criteria that are antithetical to our values and our aspirational goals.” Continue reading Colorado College Withdraws From US News Rankings, Seeks ‘Good People’

LetsGoDU SUPER-POLL™ Tabs DU Hockey #1 in Preseason Poll For 19th-Straight Year

LetsGoDU has released its 19th annual hockey Super-Poll™ for the 2023-24 season. A host of statistics are fed into the supercomputer at Goddard Computing Center in Houston. The program runs ten thousand Monte Carlo simulations and securely delivers preliminary projections to ChatGPT AI headquarters in New York. The ranking methodology then places the Pioneers in their rightful place at the top and Colorado College at the bottom. The results are then tabulated by Deloitte, hermetically sealed, and sent to Denver via courier to reveal the projections. For the nineteenth consecutive season, DU claims the top spot. Continue reading LetsGoDU SUPER-POLL™ Tabs DU Hockey #1 in Preseason Poll For 19th-Straight Year

Travel Tips for CC Hockey Fans Visiting St. Paul

Since CC fans rarely get to the NCHC Frozen Faceoff in St. Paul, we wanted to give Tiger fans these Twin Cities travel tips:

  • While in the Twin Cities, CC fans should visit Minneapolis’ Mall of America. In ‘The Springs’ this would be considered a high-end shopping and dining district. A big plus is an indoor rollercoaster which duplicates the course of CC hockey this season.

Continue reading Travel Tips for CC Hockey Fans Visiting St. Paul

CC Hockey Walks The Talk in Regular Season Finale

The Colorado College Tigers will be traveling by bus to Magness Arena Friday night for their game against Denver. However, the CC hockey team will be walking back to Colorado Springs for their Saturday night tilt against the Pioneers at Robson Arena. In an act of solidarity with the student body and in support of the school’s efforts to divest from fossil fuels, the Tigers will show that life goes on after fossil fuels. Continue reading CC Hockey Walks The Talk in Regular Season Finale